asking for help: why its hard to ask, resilience vs stubborn, and the stop & think method
We're Launching a Miniseries
We're excited to announce a new four-part miniseries all about asking for help — something that seems so small on the surface but turns out to be one of the biggest challenges many of us face. There are so many different ways we ask for help, avoid asking for help, or even ignore the help we've already been given. Over the next few episodes, we'll be exploring why this is so hard, what gets in the way, and how to start shifting the pattern.
If you're listening to this podcast, by the way, you're already ahead. Seeking out resources and education is its own form of asking for help — and you didn't even know it.
The Narrative of "Figuring It Out on Your Own"
For many of us, the drive to figure everything out alone starts early. Maybe you were the eldest child and responsibilities were handed to you at a young age. Maybe you learned that asking for help meant risking rejection, being told you were wrong, or burdening someone else. Over time, that independence hardens into hyper-independence — a pattern where you'd rather run yourself into the ground than admit you need support.
Here's the thing: awareness of your own tendencies is the first step. When you understand where your reluctance comes from, you're already positioned to make a change. You know your starting point.
Technology Has Changed the Game
Let's be honest — the accessibility of information has made it even easier to skip asking another person. Why reach out when you can Google it? Except... how often do you actually look it up? Or do you just tell yourself you will and never do?
Dr. Google is always at our fingertips (though please don't Google your symptoms — it always says cancer). And now with AI integrated directly into search results, you don't even have to scroll anymore. It's a blessing and a curse. Use it responsibly, but don't let it replace human connection.
High Performers Have It Especially Hard
High performers may struggle the most with asking for help. They're so accustomed to figuring things out on their own that the idea of reaching out feels foreign. There's often a belief that nobody else will understand their vision or approach. They don't want to be questioned about their methods or justify why they do things a certain way.
So instead of asking, they turn to books, articles, and search engines — anything that won't push back or require vulnerability. They'd rather exhaust themselves than open the door to someone who might not help in exactly the way they want.
Personal vs. Professional Help: There's a Difference
One of the most eye-opening realizations from this episode was recognizing that asking for help professionally feels very different from asking for help personally.
Professionally, it can feel justified. You hire a coach, a consultant, or a mentor because they have expertise you don't. You can "verbally vomit" all your scattered thoughts onto them and watch them organize it into something actionable. That feels acceptable.
But personally? That same vulnerability feels uncomfortable. When one of us had a ski accident, the instinct was to just "make it work" and baby the injury. The only reason consistent care happened was because it was impacting work. Without that professional stakes, it would have been easy to push it off entirely.
We can be hypocrites — preaching the importance of not putting things off while quietly doing exactly that in our own lives.
The Thin Line Between Resilience and Stubbornness
Resilience and stubbornness sit right next to each other, and the line between them is razor thin. Resilience lifts us up and helps us adapt. Stubbornness keeps us stagnant — arms crossed, refusing to budge, insisting that nobody can help and nobody understands.
Stubbornness sounds like: "Nobody wants to help me. No one is here for me. I have nobody in my corner. No one can do it the way I can."
Resilience sounds like: "This is hard, but let me try. Let me see where this takes me."
If you find yourself on the stubborn side, it's okay to loosen your grip. It's okay to break up with a doctor's office that doesn't treat you well and find one that does. It's okay to experiment with reaching out.
The Stop & Think Technique
Here's a practical tool to start shifting the pattern. When you catch yourself thinking "No one can help me" or "No one wants to help me," try this:
Stop. Pause for a moment.
Think. Ask yourself: But what if there was somebody out there who could help? Who would that be?
Look for evidence. Think about times you've been helped before. Think about the people in your life who have shown up for you — or who would if you gave them the chance.
You're not responsible for your first thought, but you are responsible for your second. That first thought might be a reflex born from an old experience — maybe someone dismissed you years ago. But your second thought can challenge that narrative. Even a neutral mindset — "Let me just try and see what happens" — starts to build evidence against the negative belief.
Small Gestures Build the Bridge
You don't have to start with a dramatic "I miss you so much, can we go on a hike?" (though that works too). Sometimes it's as simple as sending a quick text when someone comes to mind. It takes seconds, and it means more than you think — both to the person receiving it and to you.
We are deeply connected yet profoundly segregated in our modern world. A small text that says "I was thinking about you" builds the kind of relationship where asking for help feels natural when the time comes. You're doing your own research, proving to yourself that people appreciate the connection just as much as you do.
Think about it from the other person's perspective: wouldn't you be thrilled if someone you cared about reached out just to say they were thinking of you? Use that projection in a positive way.
